Every time i come here. I wonder if i should make this blog public or just keep it to myself. Maybe no one would read it anyway.  This is surely not the life i would have chosen for me or my daughter, but it is the life we have, so we are doing the best we can to make it worth living.  That is easier said than done when each day brings new struggles and opens old wounds.   Sometimes things may go along fine for days at a time, and then you let your guard down and start to believe that the rough patch is over, but it is only temporary because crazy only naps, it does not sleep for long, and when it returns it is with a vengeance.

My constant struggle is to maintain my sanity enough to be able to pull her up from whatever abyss she is teetering over, and give her the strength to keep going.   It means that i must be a full time motivator, cheerleader, coach, babysitter, etc.  but as hard as it is for me, it is a million times worse for her.  I see her pain and it breaks my heart.  Every revelation is a knife to my heart. I become angry at the world for not seeing her wonderfulness. I become angry at God for giving her so many burdens to bear. I become angry at myself for not being able to help her. And I become angry at her for not being able to help herself.  None of it makes sense and it helps nothing. It is not rational or right. It just is how i feel, and one thing i am learning is that i have a right to my feelings. I do not have the right to act on those feelings in negative ways, but i damn sure have the right to feel what i feel.  It is all so complicated and sad.