Heart Breaking

i try so hard to be positive and keep my faith, but it is so hard when everything keeps coming against us.  just when i think we are over a hump and things are going well, lori decides to do something so harmful that it throws us back to square 1.  i can not even begin to imagine why she would not take her medicine. she knew what would happen because we talk about it all the time. i am just so tired and worn out i

Hope

This was our first really good weekend in a very long time.  We got along really well, she was not fixating on anything for too long.  She was able to have conversations and hang out and just be.  It has been a miracle and I am so thankful.  It is what I have prayed for so long now.

I am so prouf of her and how hard she has worked and how far she has come.

God is good and I am so thankful.

too much from back in July

this shit is just too much.  i am just to the point where i want to give up. i cannot keep doing this over and over again. it takes so much effort to keep pulling her back up from the pit of whatever new hell she takes us to. i want to be there for her and be supportive and understanding and all that shit, but sometimes it just is over frigging whelming.  i just want to disappear from all of this shit and never deal with it again. she keeps finding some new way to be upset or sad or depressed or something. i am sick to death of listening to all of it and trying to be positive and upbeat and whatever. fuck all of this.  i just want to try and be happy for a change for myself.  i know that is not going to happen because i never have a chance to just be happy for myself. i am only hear to help her and do things for her and help her and whatever. i am tired of doing this shit by myself. i am tired of being positive and supportive i am sick to death of all of this fucking shit. i want to have a life a man friends activities fun and something resembling a life outside of this crazy shit. i am sick to death of jumping through hoops trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with her now. with all the shit she has going on now she decuded she wants to stop eating and that is how she will lose weight.  seriously. she cannot stop eating and never listens to shit i say and every time she wants some sweet shit i have to argue and fuss with her to stop and now she wants to stop eating.  tomorrow she will be asking for cinnabons shit from mcdonalds. i just do not have the strength to deal with this now. I am tired as fuck and sick to death of all of this.  how am i suppossed to keep dealing with this shit every single day. the only time i have any peace is when she is sleep.  i cannot wait for her ass to go to sleep and shut the fuck up with this bullshit. it is like she is just trying to be as crazy as she can and get as much attention from it as possible. now she is looking up anorexia and talking like she thinks it is a good thing to starve herself.  i am sick.

The Lesson

I am always telling Lorial and Nicole too that things happen for a reason and that God would not let us experience pain, suffering and heartache without a purpose.  We often do not know what that purpose is, but we have to believe that God is for us and not against us.

Driving into work this morning, stuck in traffic, I had an epiphany.  I sometimes feel that everything is going wrong and God seems to be against me and everything is so hard and I get really down, but today I did not let my mind go there.  I thought back over all the times God has stepped in to save me from certain fatal circumstances and in that instant when I am rescued, I know that I have a greater purpose in life.  But then time passes and the miracle of His intervention wanes and I lose sight and hold of His love for me.  Today I felt His presence in my heart and in my spirit and I knew that when He saved me from drowning, from several horrible potentially fatal car accidents, from carbon monoxide poisoning, from my crazy family, it was all for a reason.  Somehow I know that reason is to love and help my child through her journey with bipolar disorder and to help her become the great person she is meant to be.

We all have a calling and a purpose in life. I thank God that I know now that mine is to love my child with all my heart and all my spirit and to never give up on her because she is amazing and her light is meant to shine on the world and change it for the better. 

Being her mom is the reason I was born.  God is good all the time.

Being her mom sometimes is the hardest thing I can imagine doing, but not being her mom is the worst thing that could possible happen.  In my heart and soul I know that she and I together have a purpose and a reason for being and that all that we have been through and are going through has to serve some purpose that will help others and not just be wasted time on suffering.

What a difference the night makes

Sometimes she is fine all day and things go along very well and then the night comes and she looks for any reason at all to argue and fuss with me about anything.  I can tell she is looking to argue because once I agree with her she starts arguing the other point of view.  It is just so bizaar that there are no words.  Trying to walk that very thin line between parenting and supporting her through this struggle is just so very difficult.  I feel I have loss all control of my parenting and I am at the mercy of her moods. 

Need a Break

I love my child more than life itself, but I need a friggin break already.  Just some time to put my needs first and just do exactly what I want to do.  I know that is super selfish of me as a mother, but I sure do need it.  I am so tired and worn out and it never ends.  I know I need some cheese with this whine, but I am keeping it real. 

Where to start and what to do?

I feel like there is so much that needs to be done and so much that I have to get together for Lorial that I am totally overwhelmed and unable to rest my mind.  What will she do after the Partial Hospitalization Program if school is not in yet? How will I get her IEP done before shcool starts? Where will she go to school? How will she get to that school?  How long can I keep going in so late and leaving so early to work?  I just feel like I am in so far over my head.  Every time I get frustrated or upset by all of this, I think of what she must be experiencing and how horrible it must be for her.  She is so amazing and strong and I wish I could take all of this away from her because I would gladly carry the load on myself.  I know that we will get through this, but going through it is almost too much to bare.  I wish there were someone I could lean on or turn to to tell me what I should do or to carry the weight of all this from time to time so I could take a break.  I don't call and unload all this crap on friends because it is just too much and I hate hearing myself talk about it.  I will lean on God and have faith that with his strength we will be able to move forward and find peace.

Bipolar Diagnosis

Yesterday I went to UCLA to hear a team give me Lorial's official diagnosis.  I just set there alone and numb.  My child is biplar with PTSD & some ADD and some other stuff I cannot remember.  I just felt like they were giving me this info and I had no idea how to process it all.  I knew these things from her other therapists, but it was just so final yesterday.  I cannot imagine how it feels to be her and inside of her head. Sometimes she tries to describe it to me, but she gets frustrated and upset so we don't go there too often.  She has been through so much and now she is back in the hospital because of another manic episode. Will there ever come a time when they can say this is what she has and this is what she needs to get better, so lets to this and watch her heal.  I just want her to get better......

To Share or Not to Share? That is the question.

Part of me wants to share this blog with the world and part of me wants to just use it as therapy.  This is all so terribly painful and personal that it goes against my nature to be so open about it, but maybe stepping outside of my comfort zone is what I need to do to deal with all of this mess.  I know there are so many other people going through this same experience, and maybe there is a way to make all of this suffering count for something by sharing our experience so others can know they are not alone.  It is such an isolating thing to have a child with mental illness.  Sometimes it is just overwelming to the point of being debilitating.  Giving up is never an option, so we just have to keep finding ways to push through.  God is the source of my strength through all of this.

I cannot believe it has been like 2 years since my last post, but my words could have been from yesterday.  I had forgotten how long we have been dealing with all of Lorial's issues.  It has been such a long and difficult journed, but I would not trade her for anyone. There are times when I do the whole what if thing where you imagine how life would be if things were only different in some kind of way. Even when I do that, I always conclude that my life would be empty without her and when she is not here I miss her terribly.  Things have always been so hard for her. I wish I knew how to help her, but it is just nothing I can do but be here for her and pray. God loves her and so do I.