Where to start and what to do?

I feel like there is so much that needs to be done and so much that I have to get together for Lorial that I am totally overwhelmed and unable to rest my mind.  What will she do after the Partial Hospitalization Program if school is not in yet? How will I get her IEP done before shcool starts? Where will she go to school? How will she get to that school?  How long can I keep going in so late and leaving so early to work?  I just feel like I am in so far over my head.  Every time I get frustrated or upset by all of this, I think of what she must be experiencing and how horrible it must be for her.  She is so amazing and strong and I wish I could take all of this away from her because I would gladly carry the load on myself.  I know that we will get through this, but going through it is almost too much to bare.  I wish there were someone I could lean on or turn to to tell me what I should do or to carry the weight of all this from time to time so I could take a break.  I don't call and unload all this crap on friends because it is just too much and I hate hearing myself talk about it.  I will lean on God and have faith that with his strength we will be able to move forward and find peace.

Bipolar Diagnosis

Yesterday I went to UCLA to hear a team give me Lorial's official diagnosis.  I just set there alone and numb.  My child is biplar with PTSD & some ADD and some other stuff I cannot remember.  I just felt like they were giving me this info and I had no idea how to process it all.  I knew these things from her other therapists, but it was just so final yesterday.  I cannot imagine how it feels to be her and inside of her head. Sometimes she tries to describe it to me, but she gets frustrated and upset so we don't go there too often.  She has been through so much and now she is back in the hospital because of another manic episode. Will there ever come a time when they can say this is what she has and this is what she needs to get better, so lets to this and watch her heal.  I just want her to get better......

To Share or Not to Share? That is the question.

Part of me wants to share this blog with the world and part of me wants to just use it as therapy.  This is all so terribly painful and personal that it goes against my nature to be so open about it, but maybe stepping outside of my comfort zone is what I need to do to deal with all of this mess.  I know there are so many other people going through this same experience, and maybe there is a way to make all of this suffering count for something by sharing our experience so others can know they are not alone.  It is such an isolating thing to have a child with mental illness.  Sometimes it is just overwelming to the point of being debilitating.  Giving up is never an option, so we just have to keep finding ways to push through.  God is the source of my strength through all of this.

I cannot believe it has been like 2 years since my last post, but my words could have been from yesterday.  I had forgotten how long we have been dealing with all of Lorial's issues.  It has been such a long and difficult journed, but I would not trade her for anyone. There are times when I do the whole what if thing where you imagine how life would be if things were only different in some kind of way. Even when I do that, I always conclude that my life would be empty without her and when she is not here I miss her terribly.  Things have always been so hard for her. I wish I knew how to help her, but it is just nothing I can do but be here for her and pray. God loves her and so do I.