Every time i come here. I wonder if i should make this blog public or just keep it to myself. Maybe no one would read it anyway.  This is surely not the life i would have chosen for me or my daughter, but it is the life we have, so we are doing the best we can to make it worth living.  That is easier said than done when each day brings new struggles and opens old wounds.   Sometimes things may go along fine for days at a time, and then you let your guard down and start to believe that the rough patch is over, but it is only temporary because crazy only naps, it does not sleep for long, and when it returns it is with a vengeance.

My constant struggle is to maintain my sanity enough to be able to pull her up from whatever abyss she is teetering over, and give her the strength to keep going.   It means that i must be a full time motivator, cheerleader, coach, babysitter, etc.  but as hard as it is for me, it is a million times worse for her.  I see her pain and it breaks my heart.  Every revelation is a knife to my heart. I become angry at the world for not seeing her wonderfulness. I become angry at God for giving her so many burdens to bear. I become angry at myself for not being able to help her. And I become angry at her for not being able to help herself.  None of it makes sense and it helps nothing. It is not rational or right. It just is how i feel, and one thing i am learning is that i have a right to my feelings. I do not have the right to act on those feelings in negative ways, but i damn sure have the right to feel what i feel.  It is all so complicated and sad.

Heart Breaking

i try so hard to be positive and keep my faith, but it is so hard when everything keeps coming against us.  just when i think we are over a hump and things are going well, lori decides to do something so harmful that it throws us back to square 1.  i can not even begin to imagine why she would not take her medicine. she knew what would happen because we talk about it all the time. i am just so tired and worn out i

Hope

This was our first really good weekend in a very long time.  We got along really well, she was not fixating on anything for too long.  She was able to have conversations and hang out and just be.  It has been a miracle and I am so thankful.  It is what I have prayed for so long now.

I am so prouf of her and how hard she has worked and how far she has come.

God is good and I am so thankful.

too much from back in July

this shit is just too much.  i am just to the point where i want to give up. i cannot keep doing this over and over again. it takes so much effort to keep pulling her back up from the pit of whatever new hell she takes us to. i want to be there for her and be supportive and understanding and all that shit, but sometimes it just is over frigging whelming.  i just want to disappear from all of this shit and never deal with it again. she keeps finding some new way to be upset or sad or depressed or something. i am sick to death of listening to all of it and trying to be positive and upbeat and whatever. fuck all of this.  i just want to try and be happy for a change for myself.  i know that is not going to happen because i never have a chance to just be happy for myself. i am only hear to help her and do things for her and help her and whatever. i am tired of doing this shit by myself. i am tired of being positive and supportive i am sick to death of all of this fucking shit. i want to have a life a man friends activities fun and something resembling a life outside of this crazy shit. i am sick to death of jumping through hoops trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with her now. with all the shit she has going on now she decuded she wants to stop eating and that is how she will lose weight.  seriously. she cannot stop eating and never listens to shit i say and every time she wants some sweet shit i have to argue and fuss with her to stop and now she wants to stop eating.  tomorrow she will be asking for cinnabons shit from mcdonalds. i just do not have the strength to deal with this now. I am tired as fuck and sick to death of all of this.  how am i suppossed to keep dealing with this shit every single day. the only time i have any peace is when she is sleep.  i cannot wait for her ass to go to sleep and shut the fuck up with this bullshit. it is like she is just trying to be as crazy as she can and get as much attention from it as possible. now she is looking up anorexia and talking like she thinks it is a good thing to starve herself.  i am sick.

The Lesson

I am always telling Lorial and Nicole too that things happen for a reason and that God would not let us experience pain, suffering and heartache without a purpose.  We often do not know what that purpose is, but we have to believe that God is for us and not against us.

Driving into work this morning, stuck in traffic, I had an epiphany.  I sometimes feel that everything is going wrong and God seems to be against me and everything is so hard and I get really down, but today I did not let my mind go there.  I thought back over all the times God has stepped in to save me from certain fatal circumstances and in that instant when I am rescued, I know that I have a greater purpose in life.  But then time passes and the miracle of His intervention wanes and I lose sight and hold of His love for me.  Today I felt His presence in my heart and in my spirit and I knew that when He saved me from drowning, from several horrible potentially fatal car accidents, from carbon monoxide poisoning, from my crazy family, it was all for a reason.  Somehow I know that reason is to love and help my child through her journey with bipolar disorder and to help her become the great person she is meant to be.

We all have a calling and a purpose in life. I thank God that I know now that mine is to love my child with all my heart and all my spirit and to never give up on her because she is amazing and her light is meant to shine on the world and change it for the better. 

Being her mom is the reason I was born.  God is good all the time.

Being her mom sometimes is the hardest thing I can imagine doing, but not being her mom is the worst thing that could possible happen.  In my heart and soul I know that she and I together have a purpose and a reason for being and that all that we have been through and are going through has to serve some purpose that will help others and not just be wasted time on suffering.

What a difference the night makes

Sometimes she is fine all day and things go along very well and then the night comes and she looks for any reason at all to argue and fuss with me about anything.  I can tell she is looking to argue because once I agree with her she starts arguing the other point of view.  It is just so bizaar that there are no words.  Trying to walk that very thin line between parenting and supporting her through this struggle is just so very difficult.  I feel I have loss all control of my parenting and I am at the mercy of her moods. 

Need a Break

I love my child more than life itself, but I need a friggin break already.  Just some time to put my needs first and just do exactly what I want to do.  I know that is super selfish of me as a mother, but I sure do need it.  I am so tired and worn out and it never ends.  I know I need some cheese with this whine, but I am keeping it real.